Glow

A week ago, we sat at my computer looking through old posts, and I said, "I can't believe I lost so much of the last few years. I can't believe I walked so far from the things He was showing me back then. I lost so much time." I felt deep sadness. I thought I was back at square one, that I must be so far behind in fulfilling my calling.

The other side of the coin was a feeling of amazement at how several years later I have been drawn into the same focus and themes that I had literally forgotten about, God bringing me to exact passages of scripture and rerevealing Himself and His purposes. Amazement.

Monday night someone said to me, "Heidi, I can't believe how much you have changed in the past year. You are so completely different. A year ago, I was actually afraid of you. You always looked mad."

It occured to me that I probably was angry a lot. I was stuck in some major ruts in my life, and I did not have any hope of getting out. And I was desperately trying to control situations and people in my life.

She went on to say, "You are a new person. You look totally different. You glow. And it is awesome to see how God changed you."

It is awesome. Sometimes I can't believe it myself. Sometimes I am so stuck in the middle of a situation that I need to "zoom out" and see the whole process He has taken me through. When I do that, what I see is what other people see. That He has literally transformed me. He has freed from some of the most destructive spirits I know of.

He is sovereign. Nothing about the way He took me through the process made sense in the natural, but I learned to trust Him completely through it. His character and His ways are perfect.

I have so appreciated the feedback I have received like my conversation Monday. There have been several times over the last year that someone has commented on the change in my appearance or my demeanor, telling me how different I am. What an encouragement, being able to step back and see where I have come from. To see how quickly and perfectly He has done this after I had tried for so long to make something happen myself, something that was a cheap imitation of what He was wanting to do.

I guess I am glowing. I love Jesus more than ever, and I desire to bear His image more completely.

How does my conversation on Monday relate to my initial thoughts about the last few years? I am struck by how quickly and completely God changed me. Did I lose so much time? I wasn't pursuing Him and His ways, but He was pursuing me. He had a plan to restore my heart to Himself. He would stop at nothing to have my heart. He removed all of the earthly distractions and reminded me that only He satisfies the yearnings of my heart. And after that, he began to reveal Himself to me again as my Bridegroom God, jealous and in love with His soon to be wife. He has been revealing my beauty to me.

"Hallelujah! For our Lord God Almighty reigns. Let us rejoice and be glad and give him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready."

God you are awesome and sovereign. You have done so much for me, and I thank You. I want to discover Your love more every day.