It's Been A While. I just realized that instead of complaining about half the crap going on in my life right now, I should realize that this is exactly the opportunity I've been looking for. The opportunity to surrender everything that I want, all the selfish little nitpicky things that are getting stepped on, and submerge myself in who God is and in who He desires for me to be. This is the moment when I should be "dying to self", ruthlessly rooting out that portion of myself that's protesting being molded like clay. So, yeah, I realize that now is the time. How am I going to get myself to do it?

Maybe I Can Make It Through This. After posting the entry from last night, I decided to take a look at some of the old Bride's Journey blogs and the stuff I wrote on waiting (from way back in February) helped...a lot. So, I guess that's where I'm at. Waiting and realizing that means so much more than just hanging around and waiting for something else to launch me out of this place in which I managed to land.

Totally Dependent. Due to current events that have happened in my life (see my blog for an extremely incomplete explanation), I have found myself in a place of feeling completely and totally abandoned and alone. This is one of those times when I guess the lesson to be learned is "lean on God and He will provide". Hmm. We'll see if I can live that out because although depending on God is what I should be doing, I just feel like I'm drowning or being slowly suffocated. I hate this place I'm in. Truly I hate it. And I've been crying or feeling like I want to cry every minute of the day. And I hate it.

Aloha. I just went to check the Bride's Journey (the last time I, ValMarie, posted was 2 months and 13 days-sorry 'bout that) and it was saying "Page Not Found"...so this is a maintenance check I guess. And I'll post something real soon.

Surround Me. We sung that song in church today:

Surround me, O Lord
Surround me, O Lord
Surround me, O Lord
Let Your presence fill this place

Simple, sweet, to the point. Surround me, Lord...

More About Waiting. Waiting is not merely a period of lazy inactivity, of lolling around while keeping one ear half-cocked for God's 150-decibel Words Of Instruction. No, to wait is to continually hold one's self in a still, silent attitude of readiness or expectancy in order to be able to immediately respond to His whisper. It is to continually and diligently seek Him, His Face. It is to place one's self in a hidden, concealed position (the secret place) in order to block out any distractions that may keep you from hearing/seeing his direction for yoour life. It is applying yourself to the pursuit of His Presence. It is seizing every moment to apply truths God has already revealed to your life. It is realizing being weak is the point of greatest strength.

I'm not really sure what I'm getting at. However, I realize that purification/consecration/waiting all hinge on our inadequacy to live the life expected/ordained for us. If I could do it on my own, why would I submit myself to fires that set ablaze every single thing I hold dear to my heart? If I could do it on my own, why would I go through the frustration of not knowing what happens next? Doing things this way hurts! I'm blind, helpless, naked and limping down a very narrow path...What's the point?

Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ, and be found in Him, not having my own righteousness, which is from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which is from God by faith; that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death, if, by any means, I may attain to the resurrection from the dead...I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of Crist Jesus...for our citizenship is in heaven, from which we also eagerly wait for the Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, who will transform our lowly body that it may be conformed to His glorious body, according to the working by which He is even able to subdue all things to Himself." (Philippians 3:8-11, 14, 20-21)

I was listening to this (Vineyard's "Hungry") in Skip's car on the way home from service this morning:

Hungry, I come to You for I know You satisfy
I am empty, but I know Your love does not run dry
And so I wait for You, so I wait for You

I'm falling on my knees
Offering all of me
Jesus, You're all this heart is living for

Broken, I run to You for Your arms are open wide
I am weary, but I know Your touch restores my life
And so I wait for You, I wait for You

I'm falling on my knees
Offering all of me
Jesus, You're all this heart is living for

And I started thinking: Everywhere people talk about "waiting on the Lord" and I realized that I'm not entirely sure what that means....so I looked the word "wait" up:

"Wait": (n) a state or attitude of watchfulness or expectancy; a hidden or concealed position; (v) to remain inactive in readiness or expectation; to be ready

And I interpreted that to mean that waiting isn't a passive thing. It is active, something you do...waiting on the Lord is something you determine to do not something you stumble in to...you set yourself aside (hidden, concealed position) to wait...I don't know, I'm still stumbling through this...however, that's what I'm thinking of right now...

good to hear your thoughts, skip... :o)

I logged in to Blogger with the intent of replying to Skip's blog. However, I just got out of the car with her and I'm definitely in this chewing-digesting mode from everything we discussed. So, I guess I'll be responding later when I've really thought about everything. Meanwhile, I was working on cleaning out my closet...really cleaning it. I pulled out all the clothes and I've been trying them on and sorting into piles: "definite keeps", "need to be fixed or cleaned or something", "dubious", and "nots". And I realized that pretty much describes my life right now...I'm holding up every piece of it to the light of God's Word and examining it: "Is this right?", "Does it fit with where God wants me right now?", "Does it need to be cleaned and restored?", "Do I need to get rid of it?"...

Tonight I rediscovered Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot. I went thumbing through my (well-marked) copy, just reading little bits and snatches, and came across some amazing words of wisdom...

Discipleship usually brings us into the necessity of choice between duty and desire. They are not always mutually exclusive, however. When our hearts are set on obedience, we can be sure of the needed wisdom to tell between a conflict and a harmony. It may be a slow and painful process.

Lord, I give You my heart, I give You my soul, I live for You alone. With every breath that I take, every moment I'm awake, Lord have Your way in me. We sung that song in church today and it struck me that those lyrics are the ultimate expression of brideship (a word that Skip and I invented)...an active giving of everything you are in order to receive Him and everything He is...

I bullied Skip (who is a girl) into starting a team blog with me. We have to go set up a user id for her now though.